Escapism

Escapism. A term used for those who want to escape from unpleasant realities.

I've been like that ever since I was in high school. Engaging myself with entertainment such songs or novels.

Frankly speaking I don't like being in this house. Its so freaking noisy and I hate it the most. I hate when I hear ppl screaming angrily. I hate it so much which makes me screaming inside my head saying "SHUT UP!!!". Numerous time. I came up with a solution to just plugged in my earphones and put the volume high enough till I can't hear any sound that makes me headache.

That is the start of my escapism. That is the start of me having a song inside of my head whenever I felt uneasiness is a must. My earphones is my heart. I need them where ever I go. That is the start where I can't study if there's no music in my head. That is the start where I need to have music in my head whenever I can't sleep peacefully. That is the start of everything. That is the start of my escapism.

As time go by, I thought my need on using earphone had lessen. But it didn't. I did lessen the use of it, but every time I read a manga(comic) and it showed a sweet or cute moment, I would felt the urge of crying, a sad feeling came to me. Yes I know normally people would go awe in that situation, but not me. It doesn't work. Its the same every time I watched k-dramas. My overthinking become uncontrollable. It overflowed.

It becomes worse. Watching them happy although it was a fake, makes me feel so little. Make me have thoughts like "why can't I have that too?", "of course I can't, I don't even love myself.". How can another person loves me when I don't even love myself. Its absurd.

When I was denying that I will cry if I watched a sad drama alone, I bet that time I really thought I would not cry. But unfortunately, I cried yesterday watching Marriage not Dating. But actually, I didn't cry bcs of the scene, I cried bcs the dialogue is reflectig on my action in the past. I cried bcs I felt so stupid.