happiness

its been ages since the last post.

i'm currently having a holiday for 3 month. tapi cuti ni nak habis dah, naik uia balik 10/9 nanti. so this might be my last post for this year? idk.

the title says "happiness", as what it says there today's post is about happiness. though it might have some dark element in it too, but bear with it.

on july, i had my third depression. but this time, it was only for 3 weeks. ke sebulan 2 minggu? idk which is it, but it happened. at the same period too, chester bennington died due to suicide. usually suicide was caused by depression so, at that time there were people who keep on posting on social media about the harm of depression. saying that we need to be kind to everyone and bla bla bla.

if you were thinking that i'm just saying that i'm having a depression and not actually experienced it. buatlah, idc what's in your head though.

yesterday, my friend told me that the day before she was depressed. so i said to her that depressed wont stay for only a day or two and minor depression takes a whole 2 weeks. she might felt offend bcs aku macam cakap "kau tak depressed pun sebenarnya" without thinking of her sadness or circumstances. but i'm saying a fact. she replied an acceptance sentence. tapi aku tak rasa dia terima pun apa aku cakap. when i asked her did she had a suicidal thoughts, feeling useless, felt lethargic for no reason, change of appetite abruptly. and she said there's no such thing, she only felt like crying. for god sake, depression wont make you felt like crying from day one, its taking its time slowly to break yourself.

i know there is a lot of people out there thought that having a depression is cool. and i know it myself, cause i've been there too. my advice is, don't come near depression. it's killing you silently. don't make your happiness turn into a massive disaster just because you want to experience it. as long as you still have those happy moments in your life cherish it. don't do things that can make you unhappy or make you feel useless. bcs once you experienced a depression you can't stop it easily.

depression, is like a cancer. it can relapse if you're not strong enough to fight for yourself.

Escapism

Escapism. A term used for those who want to escape from unpleasant realities.

I've been like that ever since I was in high school. Engaging myself with entertainment such songs or novels.

Frankly speaking I don't like being in this house. Its so freaking noisy and I hate it the most. I hate when I hear ppl screaming angrily. I hate it so much which makes me screaming inside my head saying "SHUT UP!!!". Numerous time. I came up with a solution to just plugged in my earphones and put the volume high enough till I can't hear any sound that makes me headache.

That is the start of my escapism. That is the start of me having a song inside of my head whenever I felt uneasiness is a must. My earphones is my heart. I need them where ever I go. That is the start where I can't study if there's no music in my head. That is the start where I need to have music in my head whenever I can't sleep peacefully. That is the start of everything. That is the start of my escapism.

As time go by, I thought my need on using earphone had lessen. But it didn't. I did lessen the use of it, but every time I read a manga(comic) and it showed a sweet or cute moment, I would felt the urge of crying, a sad feeling came to me. Yes I know normally people would go awe in that situation, but not me. It doesn't work. Its the same every time I watched k-dramas. My overthinking become uncontrollable. It overflowed.

It becomes worse. Watching them happy although it was a fake, makes me feel so little. Make me have thoughts like "why can't I have that too?", "of course I can't, I don't even love myself.". How can another person loves me when I don't even love myself. Its absurd.

When I was denying that I will cry if I watched a sad drama alone, I bet that time I really thought I would not cry. But unfortunately, I cried yesterday watching Marriage not Dating. But actually, I didn't cry bcs of the scene, I cried bcs the dialogue is reflectig on my action in the past. I cried bcs I felt so stupid.