Well, actually its started when we were playing badminton. I felt stupid and worthless because I can't play badminton well. At that time I never thought my negative-thinking would be drag for a month. Or maybe it would never be dragged for a month if I never over-thinking about it.
So, the next weekend we celebrate our friend's birthday. It was okay that day. But the next day, my negative-thinking came back. Well, you see here, my friend asked me a favor. She asked me to do her laundry because she went home right after we finished celebrating her birthday. And I said yes, I can help with that. Unfortunately, she locked her closet and I can't get her hangers. So, I just let her clothes in her laundry basket. I did think of few ways to hang her clothes. But nothing can be done. My hangers were in use and all the 'ampaian' there were full.
When she came back, I said I'm sorry because I can't hang her clothes. I thought she would say "It's okay, thanks", but she complained about it. She said "gantunglah cara lain.".
I felt like my effort was useless. I felt stupid for helping her. So I went for a walk. I called Shi, I asked her if she's free, but she says that she want to study. I know that was a rejection, so I ended the call. Then I just sat there on a bench, cried for a while. And I didn't went back to my room for a moment.
Later, I was ok for two week. So I thought there is nothing to be worried.
By the first Monday in April, my head can't hold it much longer. That night, when all of us thought of going to the stall together, Ann want to go first because she want to cash out some money from the ATM. We all agree. I did some homework before getting ready to go to the stall. But when I've finished getting ready and already on my way to go to the stall, I saw her coming back to our room and she just said "Hi". wtf. My thoughts at that time was like "Aren't we supposed to go together? So why is she just hi me and go back to our room? Isn't she's the one who invited me to go along?". Due to my ego, I just went downstairs and asked my classmate if she mind me going to the stall with her. So I end up going to the stall with my classmate. After going to the stall, I went to my hostel back but I just sat on the bench near my cafeteria. "I don't want to go to my room yet", that is what my head said to me. I texted Shi, if I can come over and sleep at her room tomorrow's night. And she didn't reply. So I just sat there and kept on saying stuff on twitter. I thought by doing that maybe I can lessen my anger.
So the next day. I didn't talked to Ann for the whole day. That night, I decided to go to co-op to buy new detergent. I went to buy, but I didn't went back to my room. I left my detergent on the bench, and go to the park. I sat there because there wasn't many students wandering around there. I pulled out my phone, opened my whatssapp chat with Shi and gave her a voice note. The voice note was long. I even cry in it. I really did sobbed. After I realized that the number of students there had increased, I decided to go back. I went back to my room and just lay down on my bed and sleep.
The third day, lets just skip this one to the night time. I went out again but this time I did plan with my classmates first. We went to see performance by our college's band and also a talk from our senior. Of course it would drag till late night. I was having fun. Not 100 percent. After the performance finished, I went back to my room and found it was locked. I didn't brought my keys. I knocked the door 'cause I thought my roommates were all asleep. I kept on knocking on the door but there was no response. So I went upstairs, I said to Ika I want to sleep at her room that night. She asked me why and I told her my roommates locked the door and I can't get inside. I was upset because my roommates knew I'm going out that night so why did they locked the door? So Ika insisted of trying to knocked the door herself. She said we need to knock the door hard. While Ika was knocking, my neighbor said that they all went to the performance too. I was speechless. I looked at their shoes trying to think that its all untrue, but its true. Their shoes weren't there. It weren't there. My heart dropped. I just said to Ika, I just sleep at her's. I charged my phone because it died during the performance. I waited for a message from one of my roommates, waiting to see if any of them had told me that they going out that night too. I slept at 2 a.m that night. Not just waiting for their message, I chatted with Shi for a while. But it was just a one sided chat. There were no response from her at all. I'd became more upset. There's no one for me to let out my sadness. I sleep through the night without thinking of saying anything to my roommates.
The next day, thank goodness my class started at 10 a.m. at 7 a.m I woke up and went to my room just to take my keys. In case they locked it up again. At 9.30 a.m I went to my room take my towel and my undergarments just like that and went to the bathroom. I showered and take my clothes, getting ready to go to class and go just like that. I didn't want to talk anything to them. I just want to see when they will ask where I slept last night or say sorry about not telling me that they also went to see the performance. On my way going to class, I met Mal. We greeted each other, cause I'm running late. Finished class I went to my room and suddenly I found myself chatting with Mal. I'm the one who started the conversation. I ask him if he ever experienced a depression. And suddenly I told him about last night. When I told him, my hands were trembling. I can't stop myself from getting angry. Because none of them asked me anything. I was sad. So sad. But Mal, said do not overthink. Try to think about something else. Try talking. So that evening I was ok. I felt like I was half-OK. So that night, I went out with Jie to take our shirt and running tag. I was ok till that night. I get to sleep calmly that night.
And it had reached Friday. My class started at 11 a.m. I was ok that morning. I went to class alone like I always do this semester. During class, I was chatting with my fellow batchmate that went to the same Uni as me. We were planning on giving Qynn a surprise birthday party. We were in the middle of deciding the venue. They decided the venue at their hostel's Surau. And Shi said, that place is near her room. So I said that I will be lepaking at her room then until its time for us to celebrate. But then she said that she won't be at room.
I WAS DESPERATE TO MEET HER. BUT SHE KEPT ON SAYING THAT SHE'S BUSY OR SHE WASN'T AT HER ROOM. WHAT THE FUCK LAH. I WANT TO TELL HER MY DEPRESSION BUT SHE DIDN'T EVEN TRYING TO MAKE TIME FOR ME. NOW I AM WONDERING WHO EXACTLY AM I TO HER?!
Mal had said this to me,
"No one is busy, Miz. Its all about priority"
That time, I tweeted something and Mal response as he tweeted
"You can differentiate between people who free their time to talk to you or only talk to you when they're free."
I want to get out of the class fast, I can't hold it anymore. My tears are swelling. I sat down on our cafeteria since there was no one there. I called Ija, she didn't answer, I called Qyl, Jie. But no one answered me. Last I called Ili, she was my last hope. And she too, didn't answered me. I was so hopeless. I can't hold it. Suddenly, my phone rang. Ili called me back. I picked up and heard her voice. I asked her if she was busy, and she said she was on her way to take exams. I was so hopeless. I felt so useless. I felt annoyed. I cried. Ili was shocked. Cause I really can't hold my tears anymore that time. I said, its nothing and just end the phone call. Before I managed to end the call, she promised me she would check me later.
And yes, she did checked on me that night.
Looking at it back, There was a different between Ili and Shi. Shi only talks to me when she's free, but Ili, free her time for me. She's there for me. I owe her so much that night. If she didn't checked on me that night, I think maybe my depression will become much worse.
I managed to get out of my depression mode. Thanks to Ili and Mal. They had been a great help to me. I promised myself I wont meet Shi until my semester ends.
"I think, I try too hard not to overthink."
"Don't try too hard, just try your best"
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