Fragile

Assalamualaikum and Hello earthlings. Its been a while since my last post isn't it? Well, practically I've been busy since I became a university student last year. I can only update my blog only when I have time and of course when I feel like I want to post something, hehe.

I put my post tittle for today, as you can see, fragile. Let me pour my heart out about certain stuff I've been feeling lately.

Maybe some of you will consider or not consider this as anxiety, but lets just hear me out first.

Lately, I became addicted to anime. I wont say I'm into manga too because I've already been reading it continously since form 1, haha. Its not that I started to watch anime last year, but I began to watch too many anime and become too attatched to the characters. As you all know, there is some people who is called an Otaku. I searched the meaning in the internet and I found this

Otaku is the honorific word of Taku (home). 

Otaku is extremely negative in meaning as it is used to refer to someone who stays at home all the time and doesn't have a life (no social life, no love life, etc) 

Usually an otaku person has nothing better to do with their life so they pass the time by watching anime, playing videogames, surfing the internet.

Just now, I asked my friend and our conversation went like this…

"Do I look like an otaku for you?"

"Apetu, haha."

"Hmm, otaku tu macam orang yang suka gila kat anime ke manga ke… alah cuba search ah kat google maksud dia apa."

"Haah, kita rasa awak otaku."

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"Sebab, kalau orang normal dia macam Iz kalau tak normal macam awak."

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"Takdelah, sampai sanggup edit video pastu masukkan dalam phone bagai tu. Tak ke macam terlalu suka?"

Wah. I never thought it as something aggressive.

I heard her opinion when I needed to. But, deep in my heart I rejected her opinion wholeheartedly. Why?

I did because I always alone. Especially when I'm waiting for my go-back-home bus to arrive. And when I'm in the bus, I will get bored. Well, obviously because I'm alone and have no one to play with me. She may say, "whatsapp lah dengan kawan.". Siapa kawan yang kau maksudkan? I don't have that many friends. I can't blend in fast with new people. I don't always have fast reply from the other party. I will always be alone, no matter where I go. My laptop is a pain in the ass, it's hard for me to watch movies calmly.

Does she understand all of this? I would assume it as a NO. Because she always have that one guy to chat with. Even though she never say they are her best friend, she still chats with them. Does she need to wait for a bus to arrive at Terminal Bersepadu Selatan? Never, because her house is near. Does she have a 4 hour trip to her house from our campus? No. Her house is near. To conclude this theory, does she understand why am I putting some clips in my phone? The answer is no. No, she wouldn't understand me. At all.

Actually, the stories above doesn't have a tiny bit relation with my tittle. I put fragile because, of my own self.

I asked for her opinion. But I rejected it. So why did I asked her in the first place? Because I expecting something from her. I feel that I'm fragile because, I get depressed easily over such trivial things. I mean she just said her opinion, it doesn't mean others have the same opinion as hers, isn't? Same goes to yesterday. We were playing badminton. And because I suck at it and my friend told me how to do it and whatsoever made me felt terrible. I mean look at me, look at this ugly potato. Why am I so talent less? Why am so potato? They are all pretty and full of talent. And I am so weak. I hate myself.

I say I fragile because, even little things can break me apart. Even little things can make me fall into pieces.

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE MYSELF

I HATE MYSELF

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